Let the Buds Bloom

Let the Buds Bloom

Back home after an eventful day, I watched my thirteen year old daughter’s face as she read the newspaper. Her anguish said the news was about something that tugged at her heart. She motioned her brother to read the news with her. His face too reflected the same distress. She exclaimed with pain in her voice, “Why can’t they just let the kids live? They will somehow grow up.”
I immediately understood what they were reading—the suicide pact—the bane of our society!

Each child is unique. Children see the world through their own innocent eyes. Nothing is more precious than their innocence. They should be given an opportunity to bloom to their fullest without the worms of hatred and distrust eating away the petals of happiness in the little buds. Unfortunately, ADHD, ADD, dyslexia and dyscalculia were unheard of many years back. Such kids were considered lazy and beaten up by parents and teachers alike. Unfortunately, in India parents consider education as the only way to excel in life. This is especially so if the parent is a teacher. The sadness in their lives is doubled as they are unable to accept the fact that their children are different. This kind of a situation has an adverse impact on these child and also their siblings. An extreme reaction to this situation—the suicide pact— burns the souls of hapless children even if they survive it…

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ADHD linked to sleep disturbance

I have been looking for articles/research in the web linking sleep with ADHD or ADHD medication. My son who has been taking Atomoxetine twice a day seems to have sleep problems. He does not experience sleeplessness but complains about nightmares and very often, if not everyday appear in our room at night complaining of nightmares and falls asleep there.

A new study I read in Science Daily relates sleep problems with ADHD. According to the study, “adolescents with a childhood diagnosis of Attention Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) are more likely to have current and lifetime sleep problems and disorders, regardless of the severity of current ADHD symptoms”. The study also says, “Authors suggest that findings indicate that mental health professionals should screen for sleep problems and psychiatric comorbidities among all adolescents with a childhood diagnosis of ADHD”.

However, my son's psychiatrist ruled out any relation of ADHD with sleep disturbance. We are trying to figure out a way to prevent nightmares. We stay with him in his room till he falls asleep before retiring to bed. I am not really sure if we are missing out on any other cause for his sleep disturbance. Will keep you posted!

Exams and ADHD

It has been more than year since I updated this blog. It's not because nothing noteworthy happened, but because we have been really busy with school and studies. But sometimes I feel there isn't much to show for our efforts. It has always been the same. It's such a struggle for a kid with ADHD.

My son will turn 15 this August and has monthly tests and quarterly exams in school. As soon as one is over, preparations for the next one starts. And we both, mother and son slog it out. Each time, I feel confident that he would really get good marks for his efforts. So the next few days following the exam are spent in happiness and satisfaction.

And then the dreaded day arrives - the results! We would go to his school to meet his class teacher for his results. There we see other parents. If I can help it, I would never mingle with other parents. Many of them are discussing how well their kids have done. I overheard a parent say, "This time my son didn't do well. I couldn't teach him because I was busy with our house construction. So, he did not get more than 90% in one subject."

His school principal comes that way looks at me as though at some lowly creature. She definitely doesn't believe in ADHD and gives me the impression that she thinks I don't really care to help the kids with their studies. While wallowing in self pity, I also think about the boy. He has worked so hard, studied so well and did well in all subjects - except Maths, in which he failed by a few marks. He has to take a retest just a week before his school reopens, which means he has to study all through his summer holidays. Summer trips and visit to friends have long been forgotten.

This time I was somehow really hopeful that he would do well in Maths and that it would boost his confidence. Poor boy had worked so hard. But then we are again where we started. We still have two more weeks for the retest. And I feel so helpless. It's the same feeling again. So, there we are...

Kids on a diet!

My 10-year old did not touch her favorite chilly chicken. When I asked her, the reply was “I am dieting”. My jaws dropped. My husband was equally stunned. For us she is still a little kid, and she is not over weight, her weight is perfect for us, she just looks healthy. However, she thinks she has a tummy to get rid of. I tried my best to take her out of this. I said, “Look, if you diet, you’ll not grow well”, a little dose of fear isn’t that bad either. I said, “See, you’ll not grow up to be a tall girl, your growth will be stunted and your skin will become so bad, your hair will not be silky, you’ll no longer be a pretty girl if you start dieting.

She agreed to eat “next time”. She happily said her brother had told her that she had actually looked thinner after recovering from fever. Her 13 year old brother thinks at a different level. He flexed his muscles and said, “Look I don’t have fat, my muscles are looking good”. He examines his muscles to see if he is going to look like some Hollywood or Bollywood hero with rippling muscles. He wants to get rid of even the smallest amount of fat on his tummy. He showed me the video of a small kid with muscles and said, “Even small kids can develop muscles”. I don’t agree, I said, “This is not the right time to build muscles. Teenagers just need to be healthy and grow well, if you try to lose fat, you’ll not attain your maximum height.” He sure wants to be tall. So he might think about eating well.

I and their father are the only people who seem to want to eat. We are not growing anymore except sideways, but we still eat. I eat each meal as though it is my last meal. Well, kids have a say in that too. My son said to me, “Actually, I think if you lose some more weight, you’ll look younger”. I look at the chilly chicken on my plate and at my husband. My husband assured me, “I don’t care if you are fat, eat well”. How sweet, I thought, but not for long! After a pause he said, “He’s right, you’ll look really younger if you lose some weight!” I will start dieting from tomorrow :-). I am not ready to join the gang yet!

The neglected sibling of a child with ADHD

My daughter was born when my son was three years old. As a newborn she needed a lot of attention and was always in my arms. My son would stand away from me and look at me with confused eyes filled with tears. He didn’t know why he was sad. He refused to talk to me. He was upset. His sad eyes always haunted me and I would handover the baby to my mother or someone else and go to him.

When he started going to school, his teachers would call me to school to say that he was a naughty kid. They said it was perhaps he was getting less attention because of his baby sister. It was not true! They said, the baby would not understand if I spent more time with my son, but he would understand. So, they said, ignore the baby. I was trying to do the balancing job. I soon realized that he needed more attention to finish his homework. When he was in class 4, it was clear that there was a problem. He was diagnosed with ADHD.

When I get back home after work, I would immediately go to my son and help him with his work. He needed all my time and his sister had to content with her grandmother teaching her. Then she started protesting and she became cranky. I realized that she was missing me very much. She was often neglected and we simply hoped she would understand that we need more time with him.

One day while I was teaching my son, she made several attempts to come near me. I asked her to go away because she would distract her brother. Later, when I was free, she came and asked me hopefully, “Can I sit on your lap for a little while?” I was simply shocked. You would not expect a small child of her age to ask her mother’s permission to sit on her lap. This really opened my eyes. Then I started teaching both of them. It is really hard, but she seems happier now. But I must admit that even now my son always gets the lion’s share of our attention.

I am sure parents of all kids with ADHD would experience this. Even without ADHD, sibling rivalry always exists, ADHD only complicates matter further.

The unseen casualty of ADHD

ADD/ADHD is not new to me. After my son was diagnosed, I realized that my brother might have had ADD when he was younger. The only difference in symptoms was that he was not hyperactive. He found it hard to study, how ever he tried. Everyone branded him as a lazy boy.

I think my father suffered the most due to this. He was a teacher in a well known public school. In a middle class family in India, a child’s education matters the most. My father worried about his son’s future. He was confused and couldn’t figure out why his son couldn’t study. Most of the other teachers had their children studying in professional colleges or well known institutes. He perhaps felt left out.

Through my brother’s high school years, I could see a change in my father. He worried a lot and his eyes always wore a sad look. His loud laughter and booming voice was heard less. He simply went into a shell. It affected all of us. When he died of a major heart attack at the age of 50, he was a lot different from the happy person I knew. I am not linking the heart attack to this, but it made him really sad. My brother outgrew his disorder and is doing well now.

Those days no one in India perhaps knew about ADHD/ADD or other learning disorders. Now when I see my husband becoming stressed about our son, I feel I have been through this for a long period, but he is new to ADHD. The feeling is so familiar to me. But our situation is better. We are not blindly fighting an unknown enemy. I always feel I am in control. I have taken up complete responsibility of teaching him and his younger sister. Perhaps somewhere in my mind, I am trying to protect my husband from the stress my father suffered!

Teaching a child with ADHD

My son has just finished his unit tests. I must say I am so relieved that he has scored more than 90% in Maths. But in other subjects his marks are pretty average. But then I didn’t teach him that well. I allowed him to learn on his own. So he’s got between 40%-50% in all papers. But then I feel confident that he would get good marks if I sit with him.

We enjoyed the last two weekends because his unit tests were over. Now the next one is around the corner. So, no more outings for us for the next two weekends. But my son is no longer going for tuitions in the evening. He gets to play every day. Everyone at home including my husband and his parents were against discontinuing his tuitions. They say I cannot manage his studies and that of his sister’s all by myself. But I really want to make this work.

It’s not at all easy. For example, today I reached home by 6.45 pm from office. My son iwatching TV after playing with his friends. Then he takes his own time to drink his milk and eat some snacks. I don’t know how many times I would have called out to him to get his books for studies. He is tinkering with something and then he starts looking for his books. He opens his book at 8.00 pm, finally! He simply stares with his book open. I have to keep reminding him to read. Every instruction should be repeated again and again. He takes four steps forward and takes two steps backward. But then he is still moving forward. If he manages to study two pages today, it’s not a bad day after all!